


X-Files Episodes as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs

by poolsidescientist



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV), The X-Files
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Lists, Multi, Sort Of, miscellaneous, not really a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 00:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14508357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poolsidescientist/pseuds/poolsidescientist
Summary: X-Files Episodes as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs. Because why not?





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> I'm waiting for my final grades of my MSc and this is the result of my procrastination. I own nothing except my own bad ideas and anxiety. Comments and advice (about this fic or life in general) are always welcome.

West Covina is “Hollywood A.D.’. Who is in deeper denial: Rebecca about Josh or Chris Carter about what the fans want from the show?

The Sexy Getting Ready Song is ‘Nothing Lasts Forever’. Beauty is pain.

I’m So Good at Yoga is ‘Squeeze/Tooms’. I don’t think Tooms is afraid of clowns and trains. Escalators maybe.

Feeling Kinda Naughty is ‘Irresistible/Orison’ due to sheer creepiness factor. 

Face Your Fears is ‘Avatar’. Alas poor Skinner.

I Have Friends as ‘Unusual Suspects’. Mulder has friends, he definitely has friends.

A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes is ‘Colony/Endgame’, except the clones are reproductive health professionals.

Sex With a Stranger is ‘Never Again’. Ed might have been a murder, but at least he didn’t harvest your kidneys Scully.

Settle for Me is ‘Dreamland I/II’. Good old midlife crisis.

I’m a Good Person is ‘Duane Barry’. DUANE BARRY IS A GOOD PERSON.

I Love My Daughter (But Not in a Creepy Way) is ‘Beyond the Sea’. Boggs was creepy, William Scully Sr. thankfully less so.

I Give Good Parent is ‘Eve’, except for these girls ‘a nice red’ means exsanguination. 

What’ll It Be ‘Sein und Zeit/Closure’. Are you crying? I’m crying.

Sexy French Depression is ‘Tithonus’. Immortality: more depressing than sexy.

Where’s the Bathroom? is ‘Terms of Endearment’. Not one, but two parents from hell. 

California Christmastime is ‘Christmas Carol/Emily’. San Diego is in California after all.

His Status is Preferred is ‘The Post-Modern Prometheus’. And he prefers Cher and peanut butter.

Put Yourself First is ‘Red Museum’. Don’t think about it too hard.

Women Gotta Stick Together is ‘Fire’. Oh Phoebe… 

Having a Few People Over is ‘Two Fathers/One Son’. Party at El Rico.

Textmergency is ‘Blood’. You know that evil technology is menacing when it even works on those old-ass phones.

You Stupid Bitch is ‘The End’. Enter Agent Fowley.

Group Hang is ‘E.B.E.’. Hard to get romantic with the Lone Gunmen around, especially Frohike.

Cold Showers Lead to Crack is ‘War of the Coprophages’. Coprophages lead to panic! Crap, crap, crap, crap (manure).

JAP Battle is ‘Patient X/The Red and the Black’. Settle down brothers, there’s a war going on.

Flooded with Justice is ‘Piper Maru/Apocrypha’. Hear the drip, drip, drip, of black oil back in its spaceship. 

Gettin’ Bi is ‘This is not Happening’. We all love MSR but ScullyxReyes is a wholesome ship too.

I’m the Villain in My Own Story is ‘Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man’. Someone please inform Chris Carter.

Dream Ghost is ‘How the Ghosts Stole Christmas’. Even the ghosts ship them.

Heavy Boobs is ‘First Person Shooter’. Except that digital boobs aren’t sacks of yellow fat.

I Could if I Wanted To is ‘Mulder and Scully meet the Were-Monster’. Hibernating for 10,000 years sounds pretty damn good right about now.

I Gave You a UTI is ‘2Shy’. All your insecurities will melt away.

Angry Mad is ‘Wetwired’. Paranoia is really something eh.

Oh My God I Think I Like You is ‘Deep Throat’. By this point Mulder and Scully are in love and we are in love with them.

After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For) is ‘Fight the Future’. Fuck that one bee in particular. Also Chris Carter.

One Indescribable Instant is the Pilot episode where we somehow all fell for this stupid show.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is chapter two! Let me know what you think.

Love Kernels is ‘One Breath’. It’s a stretch but I’ll take that too.

We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now is ‘3’. So much for professionalism Mulder.

Maybe This Dream is ‘Je Souhaite’. Don’t we all wish for freedom?

Greg’s Drinking Song is ‘Humbug’. Imagine being so drunk at all times that you don’t notice your parasitic twin going off to murder people? Personally I would rather fuck a bush.

Ping Pong Girl is ‘The Unnatural’. Maybe Rebecca should have tried baseball instead.

The Math of the Love Triangles is ‘El Mundo Gira’. Two brothers, one woman, multiple chupacabras. 

Period Sex is is ‘Triangle’. Mulder has kissed Scully in two different time periods/alternate universes. That’s practically porn for this show.

It Was a Shit Show is ‘Babylon’. Because yikes.

We Tapped that Ass is ‘The Beginning’. Scully, Fowley, and the audience can all agree on one thing: Mulder’s bed is like a prison cot. 

Makey Makeover is ‘Sanguinarium’. Forget extensions, get yourself a whole new face!

Thought Bubbles is ‘Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose’. To be fair, I would not want to be alone with his thoughts either.

Triceratops Ballet is ‘Folie a Deux’. Bugs not drugs.

Friendtopia is ‘Syzygy’. Do you think those girls nostalgically watch ‘Hocus Pocus’?

Stuck in the Bathroom is ‘The Host’. Flukeman’s waiting.

Research Me Obsessively is ‘Milagro’. Guess creepy dudebro authors were a thing in the 90’s too.

You Go First is ‘Bad Blood’. Passive aggressive vs. self-involved.

So Maternal is ‘Home’. Mrs. Peacock sure loves her boys.

Duh! Is ‘Demons’. Seriously Mulder what were you thinking?

Who’s the New Guy is ‘Sleepless’. Krycek is my favorite kind of scumbag.

We’ll Never Have Problems Again is ‘Our Town’. A quaint little community.

Remember that we Suffered is ‘Requiem’. Seven years of suffering to be exact.

Santa Ana Winds is ‘Field Trip’. Both include dangerous spores and cause hallucinations.

Let’s Have Intercourse is ‘Quagmire’. Ruth Gator Ginsburg would have made Scully far happier than having her dog eaten be a real alligator.

You’re My Best Friend (and I know I’m not Yours) is ‘The Lost Art of the Forehead Sweat’. See ya Reggie.

Man Nap is ‘Darkness Falls’. Oh look a nice cocoon, perfect for a light nap.

(Tell me I’m Okay) Patrick is ‘The Erlenmeyer Flask/Little Green Men’. Show me UFOs Deep Throat!

What a Rush to be a Bride is ‘Kaddish’. Poor Ariel.

Rebecca’s Reprise is ‘The Truth I/II’. So you think you would get closure didn’t you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for now! If season four inspires me I may write a chapter for that but we'll what happens. Thought, comments, or ideas? Please let me know in the comments :)

Where’s Rebecca Bunch is ‘Within’. Where’s Mulder?

Let’s Generalize about Men is ‘Nisei/731’. To be fair, the men of the syndicate truly were monsters, murders, and rapists.

Strip Away My Conscience is ‘Grotesque’. Morally grey indeed.

I've Got My Head in the Clouds is ‘The Rain King’. Love AND denial.

Buzzing from the Bathroom is Rm9sbG93ZXJz. R.I.P. Scully’s vibrator. 

After Everything You Made Me Do (That You Didn’t Ask For) is ‘I Want to Believe’. Chris Carter, you know we’ll watch anything with Mulder and Scully but for Tooms’s sake please let Mulder and Scully be happy for once.

The Moment is Me is ‘Ghouli’. Oh Jackson, about time we met you.

I Go to the Zoo is ‘Fearful Symmetry’. The aliens stole the cubs, so take a rain check on bottle feeding for now.

Scary Scary Sexy Lady is ‘Kill Switch’. Bite me.

The End of the Movie is ‘My Struggle IV’. What the hell was that story about? It was really all over the place.

Maybe She’s Not Suck a Heinous Bitch After All is “Amor Fati I/II”. Exit Agent Fowley. 

I Feel Like this isn’t about Me is ‘Lazarus’. Jack Willis who?

A Diagnosis is ‘Memento Mori’. No easy fix here.

This Is My Movement is ‘The Pine Bluff Variant’. Actually please don’t spread that.

First Penis I Saw is ‘All Souls’. Of which, both Scully and Paula were wise to move on from.

My Friend’s Dad is ‘En Ami’. Though I’d hesitate to call CSM anyone’s buddy.

Get Your Ass Out of my House is ‘Chinga’. You’ve got to get that doll out!

My Sperm is Healthy is ‘Small Potatoes’. The tails are healthy too.

Without Love You Can Save the World is ‘Jose Chung’s from Outer Space’. Who needs love when you can have enlightenment? Also aliens.

Fit Hot Guys Have Problems Too is ‘Ice’. Alien worms definitely qualify as a problem.

He’s the New Guy is ‘Tunguska/Terma’. Guess who’s back in town?

Horny Angry Tango is ‘Arcadia’. They were married after all...

This Session is Going to be Different is ‘Monday’. Let’s stop history from repeating itself again now, shall we?

Face Your Fears (Reprise) is ‘Kitten’. Alas poor Skinner (reprise).

Fuckton of Cats is a ‘Teso Dos Bichos’. Not sure which has creepier cat puppets.

Back In Action is ‘My Struggle I’. Revival time, not the best, but our dynamic duo is back!

The Miracle of Birth is ‘Existence’. At least William is a better name than Heabecca.

Nothing is Ever Anyone’s Fault is ‘Pusher/Kitsunegari’. Brain tumors and mind control really are great excuses.


End file.
